Dear Em and Other Parents-Who-Tell-Their-Kids-When-They-Suck
I have a message for Em Rusciano and Other Parents who subscribe to Em's proclamation that we must inform our kids every time "they suck"... lest our kids will grow into "a generation of entitled, narcissistic dickheads; unprepared for life’s many challenges".
My message is this... Em's message was WRONG. As parents we DO NOT need to shame our kids to keep them grounded, or to build resilience within them. In fact, by doing so, we are eroding their go-to resilience tool - their self-esteem.
It was suggested to me recently, by my counsellor, that self-image is fully developed by our teenage years. So, if by adulthood, our self-image is a negative one, or an overly-critical one, then that is what we're stuck with for life. Sure, we can work on self-acceptance, but our ingrained self-belief cannot be improved in our adult years. It is with this in mind that I would like other parents to consider a different approach to engaging with our kids in the aftermath of a disappointing incident.
In Em's recent post, in which she strongly encourages parents to inform their children "when they suck", lest our kids will grow into "a generation of entitled, narcissistic dickheads; unprepared for life’s many challenges", I feel obliged to write a counter-balance to these
Actually I have 3 messages:
1. Em's article was WRONG. As parents we DO NOT need to shame your kids to keep them grounded, or to build resilience within them.
2. Em's child did not actually suck - she following instruction.
3. There's a better way.
1. Em is wrong. Telling your child "when they suck", does the OPPOSITE of building resilience.
I'm definitely not a parenting expert, but this guy is and he explains why parents to shame their kids, by telling them "when they suck", you're actually eroding one of THE most important coping tools our kids have in life... their self-esteem. The basis for this misguided message is Em's supposed concern that children free from such "realities"
This whole post triggered all sorts of angry and frustrated feels within me, because I message is not only false, it's damaging. Your way, Em, is undermining the very self-esteem that our kids need to cope in life. There is a more positive, and far more successful, approach that stems from the notion of building emotional intelligence in our kids, rather than making sure they don't get "too big for their boots" and "toughening them up".
I was late to the emotional intelligence party, but I'm now a massive fan and it explains a lot about the damage done by shaming and belittling our kids. Check out Parenting From the Inside Out for some serious technical reading; and It's a Jungle for lighter reading with excellent parenting tips. It's amazingly therapeutic to understand how much of our own childhood issues are tied up in our responses to the behaviours of our children.
Em, I don't know how you interpret entitlement, but to me it's about spoiling your child with material possessions or over-the-top adulation, so that they expect to receive unwarranted rewards. This argument has no place when you are talking about handing out love and support - as opposed to judgement and criticism - in the aftermath of your daughter's "sub-par" performance at a school assembly. You can't spoil your child with too much love... I thought we'd left the old "spare the rod, spoil the child" adage behind decades ago.
Also, Em, please read-up on narcissism ... you may be surprised to learn that abuse, neglect, trauma and extremely high expectations are what the experts believe contribute to this disorder.
Look, we all want our kids to be able to cope when life gets tough. However, getting in first with a "... you really sucked" will not help your child cope with the criticism of others. This seems like bizarre logic to me. In fact, if Em dug a little deeper, she might discover that she's actually not coping with her own embarrassment at her daughter's "subpar, lacklustre, embarrassing to the family name, performance".
Sorry Em, but sounds like your ego's bruised because your girl's performance did not meet your expectations. Her performance is hers. Maybe you thought she sucked... maybe another audience member thought she looked like she was trying her little heart our to sing really well. Either way, these realities are simply perceptions. Did your child feel "... dead on the inside"? Did she look that way to everyone in that room - or only you? Your experience of her performance is what you own… and in this scenario, your experience was obviously one of intense embarrassment that your "family name", on this occasion, was not going to be associated with the stella performance you had anticipated. Sure, disappointment and embarrassment are uncomfortable feelings, but if you don't know how to handle those emotions without putting your own child down, then you need to seek some therapy (seriously - speaking from experience here!).
Asking your child "Do you think it was the best thing you've ever done?" is not the best way to build resilience in your child. It is, however, a good way to plant the seed of self-doubt. Why would you expect your child to deliver her best performance each and every time? No one is capable of that and it's not fair to place that expectation on our kids. By far and away, the best way to respond to an instance of our own child disappointing us, is by teaching her grace... by offering her grace. Our kids aren't going to be the winner or the shining star every time. They're not always going to put up their best effort... and that's okay, because they're human, just like you and me.
There's no need to lie about how great you thought she was... just tell her productive truths. Tell her you loved seeing her up on stage. Tell her you were impressed by her singing. Ask her how she felt she went... or better yet, for the super-small stuff like this incident... let her tell you, if she chooses, about her own interpretation of her performance. If she specifically asks for your feedback, then say you noticed that she didn't quite seem herself on stage... and then she probably would've told you about the adult that told her to stand still and not to dance around. Same result, without the need to tell her she looked "...dead on the inside".
Let’s be real - life is going to toughen our kids up for us, so there is absolutely no need for us to jump on that bandwagon, under the guise of "preparing them for life's challenges". When life throws challenges at my kid, I see my role as being their soft place to fall. Their reminder that the world will keep turning in spite of whatever failure or stuff-up they've committed. This isn't feeding a sense of entitlement... it's hopefully creating perspective around what truly matters in their lives and encourages them to lean on family and friends when times get tough. But this wasn't one of those times. This was actually a non-event, in terms of how it effected your daughter.
Em... your 9 year-old child got up on stage, in front of 500 of her peers, teachers and parents and performed in a rock band. Whaaat??? That in itself is awesome!! End. Of. Story. To celebrate this effort is not to create a coddled kid. It may not have been the best performance of her life, but by the sounds of the child's reaction after that performance, she knew it, and she was totally cool with it. Was it helpful or necessary for her mum to remind her that she didn’t “acknowledge the audience” and that she “... has given better performances on the Wii at home”? No, she did not need that criticism because she already knew that stuff (although, she possibly didn't know that she "looked dead inside" until she was enlightened by her mum). AND, even if she didn’t already know her performance wasn't great, it is NOT the role of the parent to deliver this blow-by-blow break-down of every misstep her child took. Why? Because you're not her coach, you're her mum. Because it doesn't build her up, it makes her self-critical. And mostly because this child is 9 years old and performing at a school assembly! Small stuff!!
Even if this child goes on to compete on a semi-professional level; even if this child gets to a point where she is preparing to perform for Delta on The Voice, or playing onstage to a massive crowd of fans who have actually paid to see her rock out… EVEN then it is not her mum’s job to critique her. Everyone else in this kid's world will be offering her judgement and criticism, so why join the judgement parade when you can be that soft place to fall when things don't go to plan.
When life is throwing challenges at our kids (I'm talking about the teenage years, social media and peer pressure stuff) I believe it is our job to remind our kids that we are with them on the big stuff and that the small stuff isn't worth their time. If you embarrass yourself onstage, online, in class, at work... in the grand scheme of what truly matters... it is all small stuff. When the bullies take aim at our kids, we want their words roll off the back of our resilient kids; we don't want those words to echo the ones we've heard uttered time and again by our own parents. But, if your child's getting caught up with drugs and bad stuff and they feel out of their depth... that's the bigger stuff and that's when our kids need to know that we have their back.
A performance isn't life-and-death stuff... this is the fun stuff that should be done for a performer's own enjoyment - not to please the adults, or to ensure your mum can receive glowing comments on how amazing her child is at rocking-out. It's a shame, Em, that you couldn't enjoy watching your girl, accepting her performance for what it was and then taken her lead on how to react afterwards.
Em, think back to the time when you were the kid who's performance sucked or who dropped the winning catch... what did you need when your parade is totally sucking, and that rain is beating you down? You don’t need more rain... you don't need “Well, do you think it was the best thing you’ve ever done?”. You need a cheer-squad who will help you celebrate the parts of your parade that totally rocked, help you laugh at the bits that didn't... and remind you that you still totally rock and that you are more than this moment in time!
And for the times when I can’t physically be there, then hopefully my child will be blessed with a large cheer squad of family, friends or even random strangers, like "wellmeaning woman", who will show him love and grace and want to be there for him too. It sounds to me that, in this instance, if Em wasn't at her child's performance, then there's the possibility that her daughter wouldn't have been told her performance sucked.
This is the reason that when I'm at a school assembly, or a sports day, and I notice a child who doesn't have their little cheer squad with them that day... then I try to cheer a little louder for them, and congratulate that child personally for their race or their song. Yes, I celebrate showing up and taking part - because this is seriously much harder for the kid that sucks, rather than the kid with natural ability. And even the kid with the natural ability will have days when they suck... and they will know it... and on that day, they will need even more encouragement than on the days that their stand out performance satisfies the expectations of their conditional-proud parents.
But, (I hear you tough-loving-parents ask) what about the times when there is no other loved-one available, no stand-in parent, no soft place to fall... what then? Won't this "coddled" child crumble at their first solo failure? No... in that instance I hope my child will know that they can be their own damn cheer-squad. Of course they'll know they sucked, but I don't want them to adopt the tough-love role of dissecting and berating their own failings - particularly in a moment as benign as a school assembly performance - because, this breeds harmful negative self-talk and it's hard to try again when you feel like a failure.
God forbid this child failed on a much grander scale... if this child physically or emotionally harmed another person. Or damaged property. Or truly stuffed up... that is when they need to own their failure... assess the severity of the consequence (ie - did I cause harm to anyone, or did I just embarrass my mum?) and then know how to repair the damage if there was any. There was no damage in this case (apart from Em's bruised ego). So parents, it's okay to simply focus on the positives, celebrate the achievement for what it was and get on with life.
If I have one message to counteract Em's, it's this.. Don't be ashamed to be your child's eternal, unwavering, never-failing cheer-squad... for every event in their life, big or small. In fact, the word “mum” here can be replaced with “caring person”. Even if we aren’t talking about our child, but talking about our sister, cousin or friend... it costs nothing to be encouraging and supportive in the face of failure, and not be the uninvited critic of another's short-comings. Who needs enemies when you have friends and parents to point out the times when you "... really suck"? Am I alone in this basic theory on how to treat your fellow humans? More love. Less hate. Much less fear of failure.
Life is not a competition.
I have a message for Em Rusciano and Other Parents who subscribe to Em's proclamation that we must inform our kids every time "they suck"... lest our kids will grow into "a generation of entitled, narcissistic dickheads; unprepared for life’s many challenges".
My message is this... Em's message was WRONG. As parents we DO NOT need to shame our kids to keep them grounded, or to build resilience within them. In fact, by doing so, we are eroding their go-to resilience tool - their self-esteem.
It was suggested to me recently, by my counsellor, that self-image is fully developed by our teenage years. So, if by adulthood, our self-image is a negative one, or an overly-critical one, then that is what we're stuck with for life. Sure, we can work on self-acceptance, but our ingrained self-belief cannot be improved in our adult years. It is with this in mind that I would like other parents to consider a different approach to engaging with our kids in the aftermath of a disappointing incident.
In Em's recent post, in which she strongly encourages parents to inform their children "when they suck", lest our kids will grow into "a generation of entitled, narcissistic dickheads; unprepared for life’s many challenges", I feel obliged to write a counter-balance to these
Actually I have 3 messages:
1. Em's article was WRONG. As parents we DO NOT need to shame your kids to keep them grounded, or to build resilience within them.
2. Em's child did not actually suck - she following instruction.
3. There's a better way.
1. Em is wrong. Telling your child "when they suck", does the OPPOSITE of building resilience.
I'm definitely not a parenting expert, but this guy is and he explains why parents to shame their kids, by telling them "when they suck", you're actually eroding one of THE most important coping tools our kids have in life... their self-esteem. The basis for this misguided message is Em's supposed concern that children free from such "realities"
This whole post triggered all sorts of angry and frustrated feels within me, because I message is not only false, it's damaging. Your way, Em, is undermining the very self-esteem that our kids need to cope in life. There is a more positive, and far more successful, approach that stems from the notion of building emotional intelligence in our kids, rather than making sure they don't get "too big for their boots" and "toughening them up".
I was late to the emotional intelligence party, but I'm now a massive fan and it explains a lot about the damage done by shaming and belittling our kids. Check out Parenting From the Inside Out for some serious technical reading; and It's a Jungle for lighter reading with excellent parenting tips. It's amazingly therapeutic to understand how much of our own childhood issues are tied up in our responses to the behaviours of our children.
Also, Em, please read-up on narcissism ... you may be surprised to learn that abuse, neglect, trauma and extremely high expectations are what the experts believe contribute to this disorder.
Look, we all want our kids to be able to cope when life gets tough. However, getting in first with a "... you really sucked" will not help your child cope with the criticism of others. This seems like bizarre logic to me. In fact, if Em dug a little deeper, she might discover that she's actually not coping with her own embarrassment at her daughter's "subpar, lacklustre, embarrassing to the family name, performance".
Sorry Em, but sounds like your ego's bruised because your girl's performance did not meet your expectations. Her performance is hers. Maybe you thought she sucked... maybe another audience member thought she looked like she was trying her little heart our to sing really well. Either way, these realities are simply perceptions. Did your child feel "... dead on the inside"? Did she look that way to everyone in that room - or only you? Your experience of her performance is what you own… and in this scenario, your experience was obviously one of intense embarrassment that your "family name", on this occasion, was not going to be associated with the stella performance you had anticipated. Sure, disappointment and embarrassment are uncomfortable feelings, but if you don't know how to handle those emotions without putting your own child down, then you need to seek some therapy (seriously - speaking from experience here!).
Asking your child "Do you think it was the best thing you've ever done?" is not the best way to build resilience in your child. It is, however, a good way to plant the seed of self-doubt. Why would you expect your child to deliver her best performance each and every time? No one is capable of that and it's not fair to place that expectation on our kids. By far and away, the best way to respond to an instance of our own child disappointing us, is by teaching her grace... by offering her grace. Our kids aren't going to be the winner or the shining star every time. They're not always going to put up their best effort... and that's okay, because they're human, just like you and me.
There's no need to lie about how great you thought she was... just tell her productive truths. Tell her you loved seeing her up on stage. Tell her you were impressed by her singing. Ask her how she felt she went... or better yet, for the super-small stuff like this incident... let her tell you, if she chooses, about her own interpretation of her performance. If she specifically asks for your feedback, then say you noticed that she didn't quite seem herself on stage... and then she probably would've told you about the adult that told her to stand still and not to dance around. Same result, without the need to tell her she looked "...dead on the inside".
Let’s be real - life is going to toughen our kids up for us, so there is absolutely no need for us to jump on that bandwagon, under the guise of "preparing them for life's challenges". When life throws challenges at my kid, I see my role as being their soft place to fall. Their reminder that the world will keep turning in spite of whatever failure or stuff-up they've committed. This isn't feeding a sense of entitlement... it's hopefully creating perspective around what truly matters in their lives and encourages them to lean on family and friends when times get tough. But this wasn't one of those times. This was actually a non-event, in terms of how it effected your daughter.
Em... your 9 year-old child got up on stage, in front of 500 of her peers, teachers and parents and performed in a rock band. Whaaat??? That in itself is awesome!! End. Of. Story. To celebrate this effort is not to create a coddled kid. It may not have been the best performance of her life, but by the sounds of the child's reaction after that performance, she knew it, and she was totally cool with it. Was it helpful or necessary for her mum to remind her that she didn’t “acknowledge the audience” and that she “... has given better performances on the Wii at home”? No, she did not need that criticism because she already knew that stuff (although, she possibly didn't know that she "looked dead inside" until she was enlightened by her mum). AND, even if she didn’t already know her performance wasn't great, it is NOT the role of the parent to deliver this blow-by-blow break-down of every misstep her child took. Why? Because you're not her coach, you're her mum. Because it doesn't build her up, it makes her self-critical. And mostly because this child is 9 years old and performing at a school assembly! Small stuff!!
Even if this child goes on to compete on a semi-professional level; even if this child gets to a point where she is preparing to perform for Delta on The Voice, or playing onstage to a massive crowd of fans who have actually paid to see her rock out… EVEN then it is not her mum’s job to critique her. Everyone else in this kid's world will be offering her judgement and criticism, so why join the judgement parade when you can be that soft place to fall when things don't go to plan.
When life is throwing challenges at our kids (I'm talking about the teenage years, social media and peer pressure stuff) I believe it is our job to remind our kids that we are with them on the big stuff and that the small stuff isn't worth their time. If you embarrass yourself onstage, online, in class, at work... in the grand scheme of what truly matters... it is all small stuff. When the bullies take aim at our kids, we want their words roll off the back of our resilient kids; we don't want those words to echo the ones we've heard uttered time and again by our own parents. But, if your child's getting caught up with drugs and bad stuff and they feel out of their depth... that's the bigger stuff and that's when our kids need to know that we have their back.
A performance isn't life-and-death stuff... this is the fun stuff that should be done for a performer's own enjoyment - not to please the adults, or to ensure your mum can receive glowing comments on how amazing her child is at rocking-out. It's a shame, Em, that you couldn't enjoy watching your girl, accepting her performance for what it was and then taken her lead on how to react afterwards.
Em, think back to the time when you were the kid who's performance sucked or who dropped the winning catch... what did you need when your parade is totally sucking, and that rain is beating you down? You don’t need more rain... you don't need “Well, do you think it was the best thing you’ve ever done?”. You need a cheer-squad who will help you celebrate the parts of your parade that totally rocked, help you laugh at the bits that didn't... and remind you that you still totally rock and that you are more than this moment in time!
And for the times when I can’t physically be there, then hopefully my child will be blessed with a large cheer squad of family, friends or even random strangers, like "wellmeaning woman", who will show him love and grace and want to be there for him too. It sounds to me that, in this instance, if Em wasn't at her child's performance, then there's the possibility that her daughter wouldn't have been told her performance sucked.
This is the reason that when I'm at a school assembly, or a sports day, and I notice a child who doesn't have their little cheer squad with them that day... then I try to cheer a little louder for them, and congratulate that child personally for their race or their song. Yes, I celebrate showing up and taking part - because this is seriously much harder for the kid that sucks, rather than the kid with natural ability. And even the kid with the natural ability will have days when they suck... and they will know it... and on that day, they will need even more encouragement than on the days that their stand out performance satisfies the expectations of their conditional-proud parents.
But, (I hear you tough-loving-parents ask) what about the times when there is no other loved-one available, no stand-in parent, no soft place to fall... what then? Won't this "coddled" child crumble at their first solo failure? No... in that instance I hope my child will know that they can be their own damn cheer-squad. Of course they'll know they sucked, but I don't want them to adopt the tough-love role of dissecting and berating their own failings - particularly in a moment as benign as a school assembly performance - because, this breeds harmful negative self-talk and it's hard to try again when you feel like a failure.
God forbid this child failed on a much grander scale... if this child physically or emotionally harmed another person. Or damaged property. Or truly stuffed up... that is when they need to own their failure... assess the severity of the consequence (ie - did I cause harm to anyone, or did I just embarrass my mum?) and then know how to repair the damage if there was any. There was no damage in this case (apart from Em's bruised ego). So parents, it's okay to simply focus on the positives, celebrate the achievement for what it was and get on with life.
If I have one message to counteract Em's, it's this.. Don't be ashamed to be your child's eternal, unwavering, never-failing cheer-squad... for every event in their life, big or small. In fact, the word “mum” here can be replaced with “caring person”. Even if we aren’t talking about our child, but talking about our sister, cousin or friend... it costs nothing to be encouraging and supportive in the face of failure, and not be the uninvited critic of another's short-comings. Who needs enemies when you have friends and parents to point out the times when you "... really suck"? Am I alone in this basic theory on how to treat your fellow humans? More love. Less hate. Much less fear of failure.
Life is not a competition.
